The Barbie Department...

I love to read East Bluff Barbie's blog.  The word she uses; douchebaggery has been added to my custom dictionary.  When I think of that word I think how it could apply to a lot of things like Clyde Gulley voting YES to applying a roof to a non profit building instead of voting NO to using that money to put in sidewalks and replace older ones in his district.  That is douchebaggery. 

Still, this got me to wondering what if Mattel started to issue Barbie Dolls and Ken type Dolls related to Peoria, what they would be like. So...

Council Woman Barbie:  Comes with martini glass, 10 packs of cigarettes, and exchangeable pointy finger for poking cops.  Over 10 sayings when her cord is pulled on her back: "You fucking Frat boys,  I am in control here, Do you know who I am?" , and 7 more!

Council Man Ken: (1st District version) comes with a blank stare and a pull cord on the back that when pulled says: "Yes Barbara"  This version will also self wet it's pants if you scream at it.

Build the Block Barbie:  Comes in a mini skirt and a suit case full of money.  Unfortunately it is your money and if you pull the cord on her back, she says: "It will work."  This doll is designed to take your mind of the fact that A) the suit case full of money is yours, and B) you have the simple mind a Jedi could control.  "Pay no attention to the hole in the background."  This doll's head spins completely around and comes with included blinders.

Peoria Driver Barbie:  Comes with a cell phone attached to her left ear so her arm can't possibly trigger the accidental use of a turn or lane change signal.  Comes in blonde model only and right hand has adjustable fingers for when she is honked at.  Optional Barbie Lexus extra.

City Worker Ken:  This model comes with a set of overall work clothes, a yellow traffic jacket and a 7-11 soda cup in it's right hand.  It has no movable working parts. In fact, if you leave City Worker Ken unattended for a length of time, it may disappear.

Peoria Policeman Ken:  This doll comes complete with gun and taser belt.  Upon pulling the cord on the back, mace will spray from his badge.  This doll operates better in groups and the optional available AMOCO station can be purchased separately as a hang out for your complete set. Wreckable squad car is also optional.

Thug Ken:  Comes complete with hoodie, face mask and pistol for those exciting moments of robbing bread thrift stores and gas stations including the optional AMOCO station when Peoria Policeman Ken isn't on break.  This doll is a fine addition to...

Get Away Driver Barbie: This doll comes with an authentic looking 1989 Buick LeSabre complete with one working brake light and 20" chrome wheels designed to whisk your Thug Ken dolls off to count their bounty.  This doll may develop a crack upon excessive use and even use crack.  Crack not included.

It's Better Here Barbie:  This doll is one of the best dolls made for the Peoria area.  It comes with rose color sun glasses which you wear while posing your new Barbie.  Without the glasses, Barbie looks like a strung out crack head.  When you put on the rose colored glasses, Barbie looks like the upper echelon of society that just arrived to receive her Citizen of the Year award before she heads off to volunteer at the Center for Prevention of Abuse.  Hours of fun with or without the glasses.  She can hang with Council Woman Barbie or she can hang with Thug Ken.  Either way, you'll agree it's better here!

County Board Member Ken:  This doll also has a talking pull cord on it's back and comes complete with a smoke and mirror set.  This doll talks out of both sides of it's face. You have to constantly watch his left hand while his right hand is trying to remove your wallet.  Sayings include: "This tax is temporary" and "I know what is good for you." and "Trust me."  This doll would be a fine compliment to...

Taxpayer Barbie and Ken: Yes, comes in both male and female but neither doll has a talking pull cord on it's back.  It does come with a knife in the back and both dolls can be bent completely over to accept whatever County Board Ken can present.  Caution must be used with these dolls as overuse may cause both to disappear completely although both these dolls can take a lot of abuse.   You can purchase the optional foreclosed home that comes complete without furniture. 

This post was meant to be douchebaggery.   I respect all douche bags. Not!