Headlines I’d Like to See Department…

Hog Farm to be built at Weaver Ridge….

A hog farm will be built just inside the Weaver Ridge sub-division to the right of the golf course.  Peoria City Zoning, which couldn’t be reached for comment said the farm will comply with current non existing zoning laws they never follow.  City Council will vote on the farm Tuesday and with a landscaping fence and a few bushes to be installed by the developer as a buffer. It is expected to pass 11-1.

 

Two Traffic Lights are timed by the City….

Two traffic lights were finally timed by the city street department today.  Workers finally read the instructions that came with the up to date traffic signals and figured out to sync these lights together so traffic could actually make two traffic lights in a row.  They refused to publish the location of these signals. Sadly there is no hope for the University overpass signals and traffic will be forced to stop at each signal and watch the next one turn red or as it is known at the street department, The Sterling Ave Syndrome.

 

Peoria Public Schools to open in Fall…

Despite what the news is reporting and what some parent groups are doing, school will start in the fall and children will go and be taught.  “This has been happening in Peoria for over the last 100 years and will continue.” a board member wishing not to be identified said.  A spokesperson for an angry parent group said they will try and disrupt anything and everything the Board and school admin does and will continue to give the schools the bad reputation they deserve and make sure it is broadcast so the whole community suffers  rather than work with anyone who can’t see past their narrow ways.  One parent protestor going by the name “DV” said she’ll continue to disrupt board meetings with her rants while selling homes outside District 150.

 

Well Known Blogger to run for City Council….

Billy Dennis, a well known blogger and publisher of The Peoria Pundit has decided to throw his size 11 hat into the ring for At-Large City Council run.  Mr. Dennis, while eating pizzas at Whitey’s Bar and Lap Dance Grill said he would smoke (no pun intended at the pig farm) any and all that came up against him in the race. Mr. Dennis also said he was tired of sitting at the Journalist table listening to the constant haggling from some council members during meetings.  He has decided he can fit into the horseshoe and if elected hopes to enjoy the free meat tray provided to council members before each meeting. 

 

Local Blogger Witnesses Tragic Death….

CJ, a local blogger that runs a very popular blog site here in Peoria witnessed a tragic incident last night at a neighborhood community meeting hosted by Councilwoman Barbra Van Auken.  It’s still not sure if CJ’s quite demeanor and the fact that he can sit perfectly still at any meeting and wait to the end to ask a question had anything to do with Ms Van Auken’s demise.  CJ has been known to be confused with the statue of Abe Lincoln at the County Courthouse while waiting for a bus. When CJ finally got a chance to ask a question, it so infuriated Van Auken, her hair spontaneously caught fire.  Some quick thinking citizen acted quickly and threw a bucket of water on her to stifle the flames and she melted.  “I’m melting….” were her last words.  Ms Van Auken narrowly missed another tragedy when a house fell inches from her some years ago.  Arrangements to be announced.

 

City to Buy Used Blimp….

The City of Peoria is buying a used Goodyear blimp at a mere $150,000 so the city council, mayor, and city staff can take developers up on a slow ride over our city and show then the exact boundaries of TIF District’s and Enterprise zones.  Councilman Sandberg again reject the buying of this blimp saying that it was a waste of money and besides, all of Peoria is already in a TIF or an Enterprise Zone, so what’s the point?  The Mayor stated this blimp will spurn economic development and might even reduce crime.  “A low flying slow moving blimp will help act as a deterrent towards criminals on our streets.” the Mayor said.

 

City’s New Blimp Crashes!

The City’s recently bought blimp crashed today.  It is suspected that while flying low over the East Bluff, a gang member took a random pop shot at the blimp causing it to explode and crash into 3 empty and neglected rental houses.  The city zoning department said it was a shame because they were just hours away from acting on these abandon homes before the blimp crashed into them.  No word on who was on board the blimp but fear is all was lost.  Only 17 clipboards and a hair piece were found at the scene. 

 

Have a Happy Fourth of July!!!!