Driving…Peoria Style Department…

Yes, driving in Peoria is probably the same if not worse or better than other areas of the country.  I know indecision in Chicago can cost you your life while driving.  Still, I feel the need to indoctrinate people who may think of living and driving in Peoria, the Rules of the Road as it were….Peoria Style.

Remember, all these traffic rules are in the little known and much less read book the State of Illinois puts out called; The Rules of the Road.  For my purposes here, I’ll explain the Peorian view on each topic in “yellow” below.

Let’s start off with Stop signs:

This octagon shaped signs or 8 sided signs are merely a traffic hassle.  You may ignore them by simply rolling through one whenever you are in a hurry.  These signs are loved by neighborhood groups.  They plant them throughout their neighborhoods so people won’t cut through. 

Yield Signs:

Funny shape signs that can be completely ignored.  I mean, if they wanted you to really stop, they would have put up a Stop Sign.

Turn Signals:

These are a completely useless accessories unless you find you needed to be 2 lanes over a block before you get there.  Then you can click on your turn signal.  This gives you the right to simply change lanes and make that left you should have planned for a mile ago.  Never mind the traffic, you simply cut over and give the finger. After all, you have your signal on.

Turn Signals #2:

Used generally when you want to warn drivers you are going to make a turn.  These too are a bother as you usually have to switch your cell phone to the other ear to free up a hand to use them.  If you have your Starbuck’s chocolate mocha mint in the other hand, why bother.  After all, they call it defensive driving right?  People should know where you are going.

Rear View Mirror:

Used mainly to check your makeup or see if your hair is a mess.  Some people love to hang their handicapped card on this even though it is clearly printed on the card: “REMOVE BEFORE DRIVING” Why would you bother?  After all, you probably have cataracts and less than perfect vision so why would a huge hanging placard block any more of your view while driving? 

Right Side Outside Mirror:

This is an option and not even considered a safety item for your car even though it does warn you that objects appear closer than they are.  Nope, this is for your girlfriend to rest her foot on with her leg in the air while you drive down the street.  It’s only other purpose is to fall off and be duct taped to the door.  Totally useless.

Left Outside Mirror:

This is a required safety item for your car and you can be ticketed for not having one, unless of course you are in Peoria.  Our police simply can’t be bothered with driver safety unless it’s quota month.   Not to worry.  If you are the average jerk, you’ll break yours off in the McDonald’s drive thru. 

Green Arrow:

This is two fold.  First, the RIGHT turn green arrow means you should sit there and not move.  After all, city engineers put it there to move traffic, why would they know more than you?

Second: LEFT turn green arrow means you sit there until you are done typing out that text message in reply to the one you just received.  If someone honks, look in that rearview mirror and flip them off.

Green Arrow turning RED:

This is a one on one call.  If you are in a hurry, you simply can just go after the car ahead of you goes even though the arrow is red.  Rules allow up to 5 cars to continue on through after it turns red.  Everyone knows this.

Speed limit signs:

These are merely a suggestion for ideal conditions.  They do not apply to you but only to the infirmed and elderly.  If it says 30 MPH, then you may travel comfortably  at 50 MPH.  During rain and snow or ice conditions, they still do not apply. After all, that is why they have tow trucks right?

No Turn on Red Sign:

These signs are to be completely ignored.  It is your right to make a turn on a red light so no need to read any signage.

Right Turn from Left Lane Prohibited on Red:

This sign should also be ignored.  After all, with big words like “Prohibited” how should they expect you to know what that means.  Besides, there wasn’t enough room on the sign to post; “Only Assbags should turn on red form this lane and misjudge the traffic distance and speed.”

A Turning Lane:

This is a special lane installed at great expense so traffic making a turn can flow into that lane.  Again, no turn signal should be used before you enter the lane but you should flip on your signal 2 seconds before you actually make the turn, unless of course you are on the phone.

Solid White Line:

This is a painted line on the road, at turn lanes and at other places that means you can not change lanes once in that lane.  Of course this does not apply to you.  You may cut someone off at the last second and jump into that lane. (Remember, if your signal is on, this gives you the right)   Even though illegal in every state, you may change lanes as you are going through an intersection.  After all, drivers love to guess your next move.

Pedestrian Cross Walk:

Noted by two painted white lines. Remember those?  It is OK to pull into one of these and completely block it forcing people to walk out into the intersection around your car. After all, you didn’t know that the light was going red. Hell, who knows what color comes after yellow, right?  You can also ignore people in these walkways when turning right if you floor it.  After all, even though you are sitting on your ass, you are in a hurry and these people walk slow.  Besides, if your handicapped parking card is hanging on your mirror, chances are you didn’t see anyone anyway.

The One Car Length Follow Rule:

This rule (also known as the 4 second rule) means that you should allow one car length for every 10 MPH you are travelling for distance to the car in front of you.  This is just plain bullshit.  4 inches is more than enough between the bumper of the car in front of you no matter how fast you are going.  These people just need to get out of your way.  This isn’t proper driving, this is qualifying. 

Left Lane:

Ah, my favorite.  This is for those that do drive 10 MPH less than the posted speed limit and are taking a tour of our city as they stare to their right and left oblivious to the 5 mile line of cars behind them.  Caution!  These people will abruptly stop, put on their turn signal and want over.

These are just a few of the driving rules we Peorians follow.  I mean after all, if it wasn’t your right to be an idiot, why did they put horns on cars?