Smooth Move Bowels Department…

Congratulations City Council!  You have created so many TIFs, EZs, HRAs,  HIZs, and you’re all  BMFs besides, but I regress, that you have even confused the great state of Illinois. Illinois, that land of confusion and Peoria even confused them.   Let’s see.   If you drive there, and eat over there, you pay one kind of tax but if you go there and buy gas here, you pay another kind of tax unless of course you are downtown there, then there is yet another tax. 

I am confused but leave it to CJ to catch it and then thank God the PJS woke the fuck up and reported on it.  Now, there are a lot of red faced businesses throughout Peoria trying to back pedal.  People are calling city hall and Darla Jones, a city finance department employee, who has fielded hundreds of calls.  Amazing.  Are we not all taxed enough?  Not to worry folks because our Council is dreaming up new fees and taxes.  And you didn’t think they could fit a clown car in the council chambers.  Crap!

Speaking of crap.  I was watching a little TV the other night.  AMC channel to be exact. Remember when AMC stood for American Movie Classics?  Well now it must be As Many Commercials as they can get in 30 minutes stretching out a normal 2 hr movie to 3 hrs.

There are two ads that drive me nuts.  The Jamie Lee Curtis one where she is selling some sort of yogurt crap that makes a person shit on time in, of all places, a supermarket. (No not in the supermarket, but at home)  Yeah, makes you “regular”.  Really?  Do we need to see this woman in the store listening to other people’s problems on why they can’t seem to crap?  Activia is the product and it basically looks like a cup of snot.  Fruity snot, but snot non the less.  I wish Ms. Curtis would find an acting job because seeing her cut in line at a supermarket, reach for the store’s PA system microphone and announced that she can shit on schedule and you will to is just too damn much for me.  Like the old commercial where the girl asks her mom; “Mom, I don’t feel fresh.”  Stop it please.

The other commercial I kind of like but really is gross is the one where the pretty decent looking blonde, in a grocery store, pushing a cart, sneaks some yogurt looking crap off the shelf, opens it, looks around, and sucks the whole thing down in 2 seconds.  Damn!  She holds a hand size cup to her face and sucks the entire contents down in like 3 seconds, then licks her lips and smiles.  Last time I saw a girl grab something in her hand and do that, it cost me $50 and I was in the Navy. If she could suck a golf ball threw a garden hose, hell, I’d hire her but then on the other hand, the whole thing is just gross.  Stop it please!  No, don’t.  Oh yes.

Look, if you are blocked, irregular, ya know, you just plain can’t shit, then eat an Ex-Lax bar. Pure chocolate and you’ll won’t leave the area of your toilet two days.  Or….go to a city council meeting and watch what they vote in for our newest taxes.  You’ll shit then.